Funnies

[gerrit1951]

Yes Yes

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[EvilSpaghetti]

[EvilSpaghetti]

[80beyond]

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[Vishay]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny.


"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."


The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."


Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU.


There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream.


One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.


The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."


"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

[NaturalMystyk27]

I knew that I must be drunk when I started feeling sophisticated - and couldn't pronounce it.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I only catch her in my pockets.

First Cannibal: "Have you seen the dentist?"
Second Cannibal: "Yes, he filled my teeth at dinner time."

Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force?
He he wanted to grill his suspects.

What did the cannibal say when he was full up?
I couldn't eat another mortal.

I knew that I must be drunk when I started feeling sophisticated - and couldn't pronounce it.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I only catch her in my pockets.

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

Bill: Today is my wife's birthday.
Phil: What are you getting for her?
Bill: Make me an offer!

A HUSBAND: The man who knows he is in charge, and has his wife's permission to say so.

A FATHER: The man who has complete command, most of the time, of the dog.

I knew I must be drunk when I sees double...

[EvilSpaghetti]

[RaulRey]

[Vishay]

A big time Gangster finds out that his personal accountant, Robert, has cheated him out of 5 million bucks. His accountant is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Robert would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Gangster goes to confront Robert about his missing $5 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Gangster tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the 5 million bucks are, that he stole from me.”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Robert where the money is. Robert signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Gangster , “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Gangster pulls out a pistol, puts it to Robert’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”

The lawyer signs to Robert , “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Robert signs back, “OK. You win! The money is in a black bag, hidden in the cupboard at my nephew’s house.!”

The Gangster asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

[Silver]

Found this hilarious.