Funnies

[Noxide]

I was wrong... This is the worst joke ever!

Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.

[sulphide]

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue and red lights on his motorcycle are still flashing!"

[sulphide]

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.

The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

[sulphide]

Two men, Billy and Samuel, are sitting in a bar when another man comes in with a plastic bag. He sets the bag down on the counter, calls the bartender over, and gives him the bag. The bartender looks in and pulls out an Indian head. The bartender then walks to the cash register, and pulls out a thousand dollars and hands it to the man with the bag.

The two men argue over the next 10 minutes about what the transaction meant. Finally they decide to ask the bartender. The bartender says, "A couple of years ago those dang Indians broke into my house and killed my wife. Since then I just pay any of you folk here who'll bring me an Indian head a thousand dollars." The men get excited and ask, "Will you do this for us?" The bartender shruggs and says, "O' well shure thing little cowboys."

So the men decide to head over to a reservation that night. As they crouch on a narrow ledge, they see an Indian riding on a horse not far from where they are. So one of them takes a rock and hits the Indian in the side of the head, knocking the Indian unconscious. The two men quietly make their way over to the Indian, and as one pulls out a hunting knife... "Billy, I think you should see this!" hisses the other man. "What, Samuel, I'm just about to.." "Billy, you really need to see this!"

So the man with the knife looks up, and there is a circle of maybe 5,000 heavily armed Indians standing there. Billy stands up and says, "Holy cow, Samuel, we're gonna be RICH!"

[sulphide]

A big earthquake with a strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million were injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican Army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community {except France} is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

God bless America!!!!

[sulphide]

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

[sulphide]

As the Lion was strolling through the jungle he grabbed a monkey, roared and asked, "who's the king of the jungle?" The monkey said, "You are, Mr. Lion sir." The lion said, "That's right and I won't hurt you for now and will let you go." The lion continued strolling as he came upon a zebra. The Lion roared, jumped out and grabbed the zebra by the neck. The zebra was frightened, the lion asked, "Who's the king of the jungle?" The zebra answered, "you are! you are!" and the lion said, "That's correct, and never forget it!"

The lion continued on his stroll, and there was a heard of elephants at a water hole. One elephant said to another, "Here comes that lion with the king of the jungle crap. I am not going to let him get away with it this time." As the lion roared and asked the elephants " who's the king of the jungle?", one elephant hit lion on the side with his trunk, tossing him across the ground. Then another wrapped his trunk around the lion and threw the lion into the air. Just as the elephants were about to step on the lion, the lion said, "OKok man, hold it. There is no reason to get mad just cause you don't know the correct answer."

[Noxide]

Untitled-1.jpg

Sorry.

Had to get it out...

[sulphide]

TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

In order to continue getting-by in America, we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in. Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry... scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bo dder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do, don't you!

[Noxide]

I think I posted that....
Mmmmmm. Stealing my jokes are you?