Funnies

[Noxide]

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.





Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said,

'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor replied ....

'You were homesick.'

[Vishay]

Bike Jump Faceslide
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Girl Leg Kick
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[kencck]

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

[kencck]

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[gerrit1951]

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[Vishay]

1.Q. Why are men like public toilets?

A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

2.Q. Why did the man cross the road?

A. Because there were no women on his side

3.Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

4.Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?

A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life



Reasons computers must be male

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

A better model is always just around the corner.

They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

It is always necessary to have a backup.

They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

The lights are on but nobody's home.

[gerrit1951]

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[Vishay]

A college professor asked his class a question. If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I.
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said 'Professor your 44..'
The Professor said 'you're absolutely correct, but tell me how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?'
The student said. 'You see professor I have a brother, he's 22 and he's half mad.'

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, 'Hey lady, you are really ugly.' Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, 'Hey lady, you are really ugly.' She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, 'Hey lady, you are really ugly.'
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, 'Hey lady.'
She paused and said, 'Yes?'
The bird said, 'You know.'

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side

[80beyond]

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[Vishay]

Fair Trade
A husband comfortably laid down on the couch before his wife comes in and ask

"Can you fix the light in the bathroom for me?"

"Do you think I work for General Electric?" The husband replied.

"Can you fix the refrigerator?" The wife asked again.

"Do you think i work for Samsung?" same replied by the husband.

"So, can you just bring the parcel to the post office please?" The wife asked for one last time.

"Let me tell you something. I don't work for FedEx either ok?" The husband cruelly replied.

The husband feel so annoying by his wife and angrily leave the house. When he got home. He surprisingly found that the light and refriegerator were well fixed and the parcel was gone. He asked his wife. "How do you handle all of these?"

The wife said "Well, I was crying in front of the house when you leave. One guy walked pass and ask if there was anything he can help. I told him everything and he offer me that he would do everything for me if I either make love with him or bake him some cookies.

The husband asked. "So, what kind of cookies did you make for him?"

"Cookies? Do you think I work for Oreo?" Replied by his wife