Funnies

[Noxide]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said:

"Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."

[thomasz]

He's old enough to make it fun. LOL

[Noxide]

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[Noxide]

Hope they know what they're doing!!!
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[Noxide]

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Shame this is cruel
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[gerrit1951]

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.



What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.


Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow -
Why then, oh why can't I?
- - - E. Y. Harburg, "Over the Rainbow"

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper, "I love you"
Birds singing in the sycamore tree
Dream a little dream of me
- - -Gus Kahn, "Dream A Little Dream of Me"

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[gerrit1951]

Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent price hike. But it should be noted that you have no choice. We are a big company and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice. We have the power, you need the power.
We have enclosed a little picture to help outline our response.
Have a nice day and keep those checks coming.
Your Local Power Company President,

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[gerrit1951]

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!

Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,” know how to make them truly happy
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

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[gerrit1951]

You Know You Live in 2008
When...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.

Frog goes to the bank...
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, ''Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a holiday.''

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says it's Kermit Jagger and that it's ok, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says ''Sure, I have this'' and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: ''There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral''. She holds up the tiny pink elephant. ''I mean, what is this?''

The bank manager replies: ''It's a knick-knack Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone''.

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[gerrit1951]

Camoflauge Clothing

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

First Cut is the Deepest

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"

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