Funnies

[Vishay]

The bus failed to turn, blocking the ambulance scrambling to a crash-scene


Try not to get any on ya

[gerrit1951]

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[gerrit1951]

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Banana Phone.mp3

[Cyclonus]

[Paul]

As Manchester united and Liverpool agree points coalition...

Chelsea's hopes of winning the Premier League have been hit by rumours that Manchester United will form a points coalition with deadly rivals Liverpool ahead of Sunday's final matches.
Chelsea need to beat Wigan at Stamford Bridge to clinch the crown but if they fail to take three points, a Manchester United defeat of Stoke will secure a fourth successive Old Trafford title.
However, United and Liverpool chiefs are believed to have spent last night negotiating a deal by which Rafa Benitez's side - who can finish no lower than seventh - will donate two of their points to United to give Sir Alex Ferguson a one-point lead and put them in the box seat.


Liverpool's act is fraught with risk, however, as it would leave them just two ahead of eighth-placed Everton and needing to gain at least a draw at relegated Hull to secure a Europa League place.


It could also rob them of credibility - however, since not winning a league title themselves since Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister, that boat had long since sailed...



An unconfirmed Anfield legend said: 'It seems incredible that we would help United to a 19th title and overtake our record but they have promised us a Champions League place as well as first refusal on Dimitar Berbatov, Michael Owen, David Beckham, Nicky Butt and Ben Foster so this represents a good deal for LIverpool FC, its supporters, players and official mascots'
When it was pointed out that Beckham and Butt are not even United players, the legend insisted: 'That needn't matter - they've promised - and it ensures the balance of footballing power stays in the North-West.

'And we'll still finish ahead of Everton despite the fact everyone says we're rubbish'
Stamford Bridge chiefs are said to be furious at the ManLiv pact and a club spokesman said: 'It's incredible that a team who plays in blue and gets the most points will not come out on top. Where on earth did they come up with an idea like that? Whatever happened to first past the post?
'It makes a mockery of the whole system and beyond belief that a team in red could win because of behind-the-scenes dealing - we will be taking this matter up with our local MP.'

[Vishay]

Dad, Where Did I Come From?

CHILD : Dad, where did I come from?

DAD : Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!...... So why not now

DAD : Okay,

Now Listen.... Dad and mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then, mom did some downloads from dads memory stick and when dad was ready to upload, We discovered that there was no firewall. Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn virus appeared!.

CHILD : Huh?



Is Windows a Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.


Spanish Lesson
Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: el lápiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[gerrit1951]

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Bungee-Jumping in Mexico
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.

The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"


Mexican Hat Dance.mp3

[otongbau]

not funny

[apoteka]

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[SeaGoddess]

A frog calls the love hotline:
A man answers: You will meet a very beautiful girl, that will want to know everything about you.
The Frog: But when I'm going to meet her and where? At a party?
Man: No, you will meet her the next semester in the biology class.