Funnies

[RaulRey]

[RaulRey]

[Kevin]

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[kencck]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

[kencck]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started......



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started......


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started..


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started....



SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST…..

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[kencck]

Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,

'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,

But the kids...

They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, My secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , When Jane knocked on my door and said, you know,
it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, What do you say we go out to lunch, Just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day, let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, you know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?

I responded, 'I guess not, what do you have in mind?'


She said, 'let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

On the couch.. Naked.

[gooblaster]

Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,

'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,

But the kids...

They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, My secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , When Jane knocked on my door and said, you know,
it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, What do you say we go out to lunch, Just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day, let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, you know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?

I responded, 'I guess not, what do you have in mind?'


She said, 'let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

On the couch.. Naked.

Now THIS, is what i call WIN.

[gerrit1951]

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[gooblaster]

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xD
Lol...
My eyesight is ruined. xD

[gerrit1951]

Where are you gooblaster ? i can not see you


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