Funnies

[Noxide]

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Look at that face!!! Nice One!!

[Outlaw]

A man escaped from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chain, while tying the girl to then bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed you neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guys is probably very dangerous, If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responded, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear, he told me he was gay, he thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too!"

[Kevin]

Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.


7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

[DipShyt]

Would you have writen this guy a ticket in you cop days Kevin?
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[DipShyt]

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 Kgs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?..hehe..esp.for the BMW driver!:-)
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside...

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

[Noxide]

How's this for a joke?

Next month, South African interest rates are going up, fuel prices are going up by 40 or 50c a liter, and our energy supplier Eskom is hiking our prices on electricity by 53%

Keep in mind these idiots were paid millions of rands in "performance bonuses" recently after two months of a huge electricity crisis.
We are getting less power, but at least they're being nice and charging us 53% more.

I know that the world economy is suffering at the moment, but WHAT A JOKE THIS COUNTRY HAS BECOME!!!!!!!

I feel better now. Thanks for listening.

[DipShyt]

I actually want to do some cost calcs on what it will cost to run most of my house of a generator. If they get their 53% increase you'll probably find it'll be cheaper to run a geny 24/7

[Joncallim]

How's this for a joke?

Next month, South African interest rates are going up, fuel prices are going up by 40 or 50c a liter, and our energy supplier Eskom is hiking our prices on electricity by 53%

Keep in mind these idiots were paid millions of rands in "performance bonuses" recently after two months of a huge electricity crisis.
We are getting less power, but at least they're being nice and charging us 53% more.

I know that the world economy is suffering at the moment, but WHAT A JOKE THIS COUNTRY HAS BECOME!!!!!!!

I feel better now. Thanks for listening.

Aw that's sad. We have to pay for water here...

[Noxide]

I actually want to do some cost calcs on what it will cost to run most of my house of a generator. If they get their 53% increase you'll probably find it'll be cheaper to run a geny 24/7

If you can get a generator. And then it's noise levels and petrol and and and...
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[RNight]