Funnies

[RaulRey]

[RaulRey]

[RaulRey]

[RaulRey]

[Belinda]

[kencck]

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition
> to find the Most
> embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final
> four were: *
>








> 4th Place* *
> While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
> decided to release some
> pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally
> able to grab hold of
> her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
> other patrons. I
> told her that if she didn't start behaving herself,
> right now, she would be
> punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
> in a voice just
> as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now,
> I will tell Grandma I
> saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.' After
> this enlightening
> exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers
> stopped what they
> were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked
> out of the bank,
> with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the
> door closed behind
> me were screams of laughter. *



> 3rd Place* *
> It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at
> home, but my
> parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
> girlfriend over for a
> romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love,
> we heard the
> telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend
> that I give her
> a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't
> want to miss the call,
> we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the
> bottom of the
> stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of
> people yelled
> 'SURPRISE'. My entire family parents, grand
> parents, aunts, uncles,
> cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My
> girlfriend and I
> were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and
> embarrassment for what
> seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family
> has planned any
> surprise parties. *
> *
> 2nd Place* *
> A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When
> she finally Got up
> to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no
> price tag.* *
> The checkout girl got on the public address system, which
> boomed out across
> the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for
> Tampax supersize.'* *
> But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store
> apparently
> misunderstood word 'Tampax' for
> 'Thumbtacks' , and replied in a business
> like tone, his voice booming over the same public address
> system: 'Do you
> want the kind* *you push in with your thumb or the kind
> one you belt in
> with a hammer.*



> 1st Place .
> And the winner is . . ..*
> *
> This happened at a major Australian University , during a
> biology lecture.
> A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found
> in semen. A
> young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I
> understand you correctly, you
> are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in
> sugar?' The
> professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some
> statistical data.
> Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why
> doesn't it taste sweet?'
> After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out
> laughing. The poor
> girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what
> she had
> inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without
> another word,
> walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for
> the door, the
> professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight
> faced, he answered her
> question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the
> taste-buds for sweetness
> are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your
> throat'. *
>

[kencck]

A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus
ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents.

Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm,and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."

The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she
left the bus?"

The driver continued, she replied "Oh sh*t, I'm on the wrong bus!"

[kencck]

*1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big penis or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.*

· *2. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.*

· *3. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'*

· *4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.*

· *5. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.*

· *6. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly..*

· *7. Virginity can be cured.*

· *8. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.*

· *9. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.*

· *10. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

· *11. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.*

· *12. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.*

· *13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......*

· *14. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man*s life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.*

· *15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.*

· *16. Despite the old saying, ' Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!*

[emil07]

I just found this in deadmau5's new track "To Play Us Out"

[jmarin]