Funnies

[apoteka]

you just made my brain hurt

[apoteka]

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Jesus in school
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Moses' first and last day as a lifeguard
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[apoteka]

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Oh GOD, I'm so alone and lonely... Can you help me?
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Here comes the plane
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[Fyro]

hahaha zakon

[gerrit1951]

There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp.
The genie came out and said," Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."
The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,

"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.

"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says,"You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says," Yeah,yeah.I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says "

I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"

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A man was driving along one day and he hit a rabbit. Feeling terrible he stopped and got out of the car to see if it was badly hurt. To his dismay, the rabbit was dead. Unsure what to do, the man runs to the nearest building, wich happenes to be a salon. He says to the hair dresser, "I've just hit and killed a rabbit in the midle of the road! What should I do?" He hairstylist think a moment, then says "I think I have just the thing." He grabs a few bottles from a shelf and runs out to the rabbit. Opening the bottles, he poured the contents ono the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit jumps up, shakes itself, looks around, then hopps of. It went a few feet, then turned and waved, went a few more feet, then turned and waved again. This odd behavior continued untill the rabbit was out of sight. The man looked and the Hairdreser in amazement and says, "Wow! What did you do?" "Oh," the stylist responded, " I gave it a hair revitilisant with a wave!"



Why did the blonde fail her driver's license test 3 times? Every time the car stopped she jumped into the back seat.

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A blonde walked into a barber shop wearing headphones. The barber said "i cant cut you're if you're wearing headphones." The blonde said "I HAVE to wear them,though! Then stormed out. This happened twice until the barber just jerked off the headpones. Then he remembered his lucky scissors in the other room. When he came back in the blonde was dead. He picked up the phones to hear what was playing. He heard:"Breath in, breath out.breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out.

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[Ninerca]

[Noxide]

• Mary had a little pig,
  She kept it fat and plastered;
  And when the price of pork went up,
  She shot the little bastard.
  
  
• Mary had a little lamb.
  Her father shot it dead.
  Now it goes to school with her,
  Between two chunks of bread.
  
  
• Mary had a little lamb
  It ran into a pylon.
  10,000 volts went up its arse
  And turned its wool to nylon.
  
  
• Mary had a little lamb
  Its fleece was white and wispy.
  Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
  And now it's black and crispy.
  
  
• Jack and Jill
  Went up the hill
  And planned to do some kissing.
  Jack made a pass
  And grabbed her ass
  Now two of his teeth are missing.
  
  
• Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
  Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
  'What have you got there?'
  Said the pie man unto Simon,
  'Pies, you dumb ass'
  
  
• Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
  Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
  All the kings' horses,
  And all the kings' men.
  Had scrambled eggs,
  For breakfast again..
  

[Noxide]

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'

Customer says, 'Female.'

Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?

Customer says, 'White.'

Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

[Noxide]

A young man asked Morris, an old wealthy man, how he made his money.

Morris took off his glasses and said, "Well, son, it was 1932 during the heart of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"So I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated the sum of $1.60.....

"Then my wife's uncle Bernie died and left us two million dollars."

[Noxide]

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