Funnies

[No1Eye]

Ahahaha --->

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

[No1Eye]

Ahahahaha --->

A woman passed her daughter's room and heard a strange buzzing noise.
Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked 'why?'
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please, leave me alone."
Next day, the father heard the same buzz and upon entering, he also saw the same scene.
To his query, the daughter again said, "Dad I"m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room.
On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the Heck are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."

[gerrit1951]

For Real ?

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[No1Eye]

Ahahahaha --->

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another.

The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, "How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?"

The man says, "Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home."

[gerrit1951]

Never.jpg

Well

[No1Eye]

Ahahahaha, so true! --->

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the President, your mom is Congress, your maid is the Work Force, you are the People and your baby brother is the Future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Johnny and went off to bed.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's cries.
He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.
So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.
When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.
Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there.
So he went to the maid's room.
When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.

Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thought aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the Work Force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the People, and the Future is full of s**t!''

[gerrit1951]

About time he did it
Escape.jpg

[No1Eye]

Ahahahaha --->

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

[gerrit1951]

An Oldie

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[No1Eye]

hehehe --->

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man.
The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"