Funnies

[Vishay]

A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane. D man turned to him n said, "Let's talk"..

Kid..
Ok, wat do we talk abt ?

Man(making fun of d kid)..
How abt nuclear power??

Kid..
Very interesting topic.. But let me ask u a question..
Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass.. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty & horse clumps.. Why??

Man..
I don't know..

Child..
Do u really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issue when u don't know shi..!!

[EvilSpaghetti]

Some one-liners for you...

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

[EvilSpaghetti]

[NaturalMystyk27]

[Vishay]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

[80beyond]

A blonde is outside when the garbage man comes up the drive way and asks her if "any garbage today?"
The blonde answers "We'll have three bags please."

How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror on the bottom of the swimming pool.

What do rodents say when they are playing bingo?
"Eyes down for a full mouse."

If a farmer has two eggs for breakfast every morning, but he doesn' own any chickens and he doesn' get them from anyone else, where do the eggs come from?
From his ducks.

Two politicans were having a heated debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"
And the other politician screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"

A little girl asked her father, 'do all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time"?
The father replied, 'No, some begin with - If I am elected.'

The government is sneaky. They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure that the country is in such a mess that you drink more.

Don't vote - it only encourages them.

[gerrit1951]

retired before the financial crisis

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And After

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[gerrit1951]

Free Ride

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i want one

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nice a cool dive

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mac donald's ?

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[Vishay]

The phone call


Ring, Ring
'Hello?'
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?' He asked.
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the
swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the
water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think
he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool? ............ Is this 486-5731?'

[gerrit1951]

up
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down
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up down make up your mind

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