Funnies

[Noxide]

A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.

The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up.

So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer? "

The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."

"Okay...let' s try your armpit." the doctor suggested.

"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.

"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.

Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"

The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."

[Noxide]

87-year-old Ed is sitting at the bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Mary. "What a beauty," he says to himself.
Then he can't believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him.
It was love at first site for both of them.
After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp.
As soon as it ends, Mary notices that Ed is very quiet and still.
She then realizes that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax.
At Ed's funeral, one of Mary's friends comes over to her and says, "I was so shocked to hear the news, Mary. Whatever happened?"
"Nothing much," Mary replies, "he came and he went."

[Noxide]

A woman who lived near Cape Fear
Would always most carefully steer
Past men whom she saw,
But was brought to the floor,
By a well-timed attack from the rear.


A sofa spud who now and then
Goes to see the sea but won't go in
Says 'Waves are unnerving
Like channel surfing
My clicker can hang more than ten.'

[Noxide]

When limerick writers convene,
Their reason for making the scene
Is to make tepid jokes,
Meant for church going folks,
Into verses perverse and obscene.


She was a nurse, and he a cop rookie
From work they decided to play hooky,
From the break of dawn
Well into mid-morn
They sure enjoyed their breakfast nookie

[Noxide]

A carpenter living in Crewe,
Who had nothing whatever to do,
Once assisted a whore
With the hinge of her door,
But he made her pay for the screw.


My boss is a fellow named Sid
With the mind of an eight-year-old kid
Just outside his door
A sign said, "Wet floor,"
Sid saw it, and read it ... and did!

[Noxide]

My trouser-snake stands up and cheers
When confronted with boobs in brassieres;
But, in charming my cobra,
The bosom with no bra
Can almost reduce it to tears.


The model climbed up the ladder,
As Titian, the painter, had bade her
Then her position
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had her

[Noxide]

Suzie Wong and her sister looked tight.
They seduced Stephen Wright one hot night.
He resisted just one,
But a pair? Too much fun!
So you see, two Wongs can make a Wright!


A really old vampire named "Tex"
Is "out for blood" and I suspects
He's not a nice guy
If he catches your eye
It's you who will likely be necks

[Noxide]

A blond and a brunette are on an elevator; suddenly a good-looking handsome man gets on.

So then the brunette turns to the blond and says, "Wow", he is so good looking, but that dandruff on him is a real turn off".

"I think we should give him some Head and Shoulders!" said the brunette.

All of a sudden the blond turned to the brunette with a confused look and said, "Ok, but how do you give shoulders?"

[Noxide]

One of quite a few. Don't know if it's been posted before.



I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's, (sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC. Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nick
el for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms, but if you don't the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.

[Noxide]

My wife makes love like a chess player, every twenty minutes she moves.


My ex-wife was so cold that when you spread her legs a little white
light came on.


"Last night I had three orgasms in a row!"
"That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred."
"My goodness! I had no idea your boyfriend was that good."
"Oh, you meant with one guy?"