Funnies

[Yuros]

all clear.jpg

All clear,go,go,go

[poohpooh]

this is sooooooooooooooooooo funny kudos to the 3 ladies really

[jmarin]

this is sooooooooooooooooooo funny kudos to the 3 ladies really

...ahhh, thanks for good laugh!!!
Rep+ when I can...apparently I gave it away too much. I think there is no such TOO MUCH...oh well, need to wait.

[Yuros]

Vucko.jpg

[Noxide]

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

[Noxide]

This guy was having a drink in a bar. It didn't escape his notice that the bartender was a very sexy lady.

She came over to chat for a bit and he said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom," as he lay a $10 bill on the bar.

She knew the bathroom was around the corner and accepted his bet. He removed his glass eye and took off to the john.

"Very funny," she said when he returned.

He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one."

Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table. "I'll bet you I can bite my
own ear."

She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly as the guy removes his false
teeth and clamps them down on his ear.

He grins and said, "All right, one more bet. A chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing."

Thinking this was something she knew about, she took him by the hand out back behind the bar and lifted her skirt. They went to town.

A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you."

He kept on going and said, "Well, you win some, you lose some!"

[Noxide]

Male or Female?


FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up
again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


TYRES
Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a
fire under their butt.


SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting
hit on.


TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up
people.

HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and
are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female.
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

[Noxide]

Once an abnormal guy went to a doctor.

His abnormality was that he had three testicles.

He thought it to be a reproductive abnormality so he wanted to consult a doctor.

But he was a little hesitant to present his situation to the doctor.

So he tried to explain it to him indirectly.

He said, ''Doctor, if you combine your and my testicles, then the result will be five!''

The doctor was amazed to hear that.

He stood up and asked the patient, ''You poor guy, have you got only one?'

[SeaGoddess]

Male or Female?


FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up
again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


TYRES
Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a
fire under their butt.


SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting
hit on.


TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up
people.

HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and
are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female.
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

[Noxide]

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver' licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?