Funnies

[Noxide]

A blonde couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby
came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a
wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local
college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What
ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year
or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

[Noxide]

These are actual notes taken from patient charts.

"The patient complains of a dry cough that hurts when he coughs and also when he takes deep breaths for 4 days."

"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home."

"Patient had waffles for breakfast, and anorexia for lunch."

"The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet."

"Patient was alert and unresponsive."

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

"The patient has no past history of suicides."

"The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints."

"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

"The other foot has the missing toe."

[Noxide]

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.



She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.



He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.

'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.



It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him.



Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!


Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

[Kevin]

Why Italian Women Need Therapy!!



Phone Call:


Italian Mother: "Hello?"

Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"

Italian Mother: "You're going out?"

Daughter: "Yes."

Italian Mother: "With whom?"

Daughter: "With a friend."

Italian Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."


Daughter: "MOM, I didn't leave him. He left me!"

Italian Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies."

Daughter: "MA, I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?"


Italian Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."


Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did and I don't."


Italian Mother: "What are you hinting at?"



Daughter: "Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.."

Italian Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"


Daughter: "MA its My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!"



Italian Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"



Daughter: "MOM, He's not a loser."

Italian Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser an d a parasite."

Daughter: "MA, I don't want to argue; should I bring over the kids or not?"

Italian Mother: "Poor children with such a mother."

Daughter: "Such a what?"

Italian Mother: "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."


Daughter: "ENOUGH MA!!!"


Italian Mother: "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at the loser too!"

Daughter: "Great MA, Now you're worried about the loser?"


Italian Mother: "Ah, so you see he is a loser and I spotted him immediately."


Daughter: "Goodbye, mother."

Italian Mother: "Wait! Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? "


Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"


Italian Mother: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

[DipShyt]

I'm not sure if this has been posted before... here goes anyway

Getting Older

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She
tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and
she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even
tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Andy]

I'm not sure if this has been posted before... here goes anyway

Getting Older

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She
tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and
she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even
tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

old joke, old joke i think noxide posted it about 2/3 weeks ago now but thanks for trying

[Kevin]

35 Things to live by....


1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved it's full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

[vampire]

Are these suppose to be funny ?

[Kevin]

Someday they will be

[Noxide]

Are these suppose to be funny ?

The last time you opened your mouth you were asked nicely to **** off. Please do so again.