Funnies

[Noxide]

Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass,
And now two of his front teeth are missing.

[Noxide]

Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
Each one had a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents,
Do you think they went for water?

[Noxide]

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
For just an itty bitty.
Jill is now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.

[Noxide]

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
With a little keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, and Jill, and Andy.

[Noxide]

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, if the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet cleanser.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

[Noxide]

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

[Noxide]

Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter.

[Noxide]

Q: Why don't dogs marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

[Noxide]

Q: What's the difference between a mother & a wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

[Noxide]

Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to 6000.
So when would you like to start?
Santa: In 3 months.