Funnies

[Noxide]

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[Lemmings]

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That's so nice! Thanx Noxide!

[Noxide]

Q)What did one blondes leg say to the Other?
A)Between you and me, we could make a lot of money.

Q)What does blondes and Computers have in common?
A) They both go down.

Q)What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
A)They both been laid all over America.

Q)How do you know a blondes been using a computer?
A)The Joystick is wet.

Q)What does a blonde put behind her ear to make herself more attractive?
A)Her Ankles

[Noxide]

Notice:

Office Of The Treasurer General Republic Of Nigeria.
Desk Of: Alhaji. Ibrahim. H. Dankwambo
E-mail:
Tel: +234 7023186029

I Am Secretary Of Ministry Of Tresury Of Small African Nation.

I Must Share My Confidence With You In Trust:

I Was Planning To Send An Email To Rip Off Rich Americans Like You.

After Last Week Of Financial News, I No Longer Have The Heart To Do This.

Clearly Americans Have Already Been Scammed Enough By Best In Wall St - Much Better Than Me And My Friends.

I Can No Longer Compete With Such Clever Americans Who Have Ripped Off Fellow Countryman For Trilions Of Usd.

Please Accept Our Sinsere Condolences On Your Loss Of Your Life Savings.

Best Regards,

Alhaji. Ibrahim. H. Dankwambo
Treasurer General Of The Federation Of Nigerian Republic

[Noxide]

Man went before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviewed some papers, then said, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man said, "I live in a two-story house."

The judge replied, "What kind of a reason is that? What's the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well, your honour, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"

[Noxide]

A blonde woman gets pulled over for doing 85 in a 25 mph zone.

The cop asks her for her license and registration. She says, "License, what's that?"

He replies, "It's what they ask for when you buy liquor."

She says, "Oh, I get it," and hands him her license.

Then she asks what a registration is. He says, "It's probably in your glove box. Just open it and give me the papers inside." She does, so he returns to his car.

He calls the police dispatcher and says, "I think I just pulled over the dumbest blonde ever! She didn't even know what a license was."

The dispatcher says, "I know who she is. She's driving a new BMW, with pink mirrors."

The cop says, "Yeah, how'd you know?"

The dispatcher says, "Never mind that, just go up to her car and drop your pants."

The cop says, "No freakin' way!"

The dispatcher says, "Just trust me, all the cops in town have done it."

So the cop agrees and reluctantly walks up to her car. He looks around and then drops his pants.

The blonde woman says, "Another breathalyser test? No problem, I pass these all the time."

[Noxide]

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Noxide]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts.

Dr Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He, winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock...'

[Noxide]

Joe Smith was a far-out nut on golf, and it had come to be his only topic of conversation.

Mrs. Smith bore it with increasing impatience and felt herself being slowly driven to the brink of distraction by the constant discussion of birdies, drivers, and sandtraps; of his golf clubs, his caddies, and his scores.

Finally, at dinner one day, her patience snapped. "Listen," she said, "I'm tired of golf, golf, golf, day in and day out. For once, I don't want any discussion of golf at this meal."

Joe raised a pair of hurt eyes and said plaintively, "But what do I talk about, then?"

'About anything," said Mrs. Smith angrily. "Talk about sex, for goodness' sake."

"Okay," said Joe sullenly. He fell silent for a moment, then brightened up and said, "Say, I wonder who my caddie is screwing these days"

[Noxide]

One year, Jim's family was having the "extended family Fourth of July cookout" at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks they had bought out of state, because they're illegal in their state, of course!

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying \his neighbor's plans had just fallen through and could they bring them along to the picnic. They even had extra food to bring.

"Sure, the more the merrier!"

Upon arrival and meeting their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Jim and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Jim disappears and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back.

"Just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed."

They head out to the back as Jim comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says, "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"