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[EvilSpaghetti]

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[Noxide]

Why E-Mail Is Like A Penis

1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

4. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow made to feel inferior.

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

[Noxide]

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.

[SLIM_SHADY]

Why E-Mail Is Like A Penis

1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

4. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow made to feel inferior.

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

[Noxide]

DUE TO THE CREDIT CRUNCH, THIS IS YOUR NEW OFFICE


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NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE NOVEMBER 1, 2008


Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing a suit with a silk tie, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.



Lunch Breaks:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[Chris]

DUE TO THE CREDIT CRUNCH, THIS IS YOUR NEW OFFICE


image002.jpg


NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE NOVEMBER 1, 2008


Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing a suit with a silk tie, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.



Lunch Breaks:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[EvilSpaghetti]

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[EvilSpaghetti]

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[EvilSpaghetti]

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[EvilSpaghetti]

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