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    GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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    HAPPINESS

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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    LONGEVITY

    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

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    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

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    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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    What do you call someone that hangs around with musicians?

    A drummer

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    What's a definition of Suspicion?

    A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field

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    What's a definition of innocence?

    A nun working in a condom factory thinking she was making sleeping bags for mice.

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    Why did the blonde get fired from the M+M's factory?

    She kept throwing away all the W's!

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