Funnies

[Kendu10]

Haha,what a copy Wee.

[kencck]

When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in Sun, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black

And you white fellow
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey
And you calling me colored?

[amaway]

Jose Mourinho was quick to quell the rumours linking him with the Newcastle job this morning, saying, "I'm not that special."

[amaway]

A recently widowed Youndlady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[amaway]

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my **** off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

[amaway]

This woman is walking past a brothel, when she notices a sign which reads

Celebrity Sex


Wayne Rooney £500 per night

Andrew flintoff £700 per night

Father Christmas £2000 per night

so she goes in to enquire about the price list, the manager tells her that the reason wayne rooney is so cheap is because he 'dribbles before he shoots',
and the reason that andrew flintoff is cheap is because 'once he's in , you can't get him out' , then she asks " why is father christmas so expensive?", and the manager says " well , he only comes once a year , but he'll fill yer stockings"

[amaway]

The Devil walks into a crowded bar.

Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old boy leant over the bar.

The Devil wanders across to the old boy and says "Do you know who I am?"

The old man took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep"

The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid?"

The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs "Nah, I've been married to your sister for 40 years. Why the hell should I be scared of you?"

[EvilSpaghetti]

A man comes rushing down to his wife: "dear, I've just dropped the baby in the bath"

"Well, for Gods' sake, get her out then!"

"I can't, the waters too hot."

[EvilSpaghetti]

What is the differnece between a woman and a toilet?


You don't need to say "i love you" after using the toilet.

[EvilSpaghetti]

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may come out of this."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."