Results 4,141 to 4,150 of 16280
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26-09-2008, 07:59 AM #4141
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The human versions of Homer & Mario
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26-09-2008, 08:02 AM #4142
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Great!
Originally Posted by Lemmings
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26-09-2008, 08:37 AM #4143
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26-09-2008, 09:08 AM #4144
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26-09-2008, 09:20 AM #4145
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26-09-2008, 09:26 AM #4146
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26-09-2008, 11:44 AM #4147
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........20 Signs You’re Getting Old.........
20. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
19. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
18. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
17. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
16. You hear your favourite song in a lift.
15. Jeans and a t-shirt no longer qualify as "dressed up."
14. You're the one calling the police because those annoying kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
12. You feed your dog tinned dog food instead of last nights takeaway leftovers.
11. Sleeping on the settee makes your back hurt.
10. You take naps.
9. Pictures then dinner is the whole night instead of the beginning of one.
8. Eating a curry at 2:00 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
7. You go to the chemist's for ibuprofen and Gaviscon, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
6. A £2.99 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
4. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
2. When you find out your friend's missus is pregnant you congratulate him instead of asking "Oh f**k, what happened?"
And the number one sign you are getting old is:
1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one.
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26-09-2008, 11:47 AM #4148
Member
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Ford Puma doing 100mph, with her face up against the rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple of seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still putting on her eyeliner. As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked my McMuffin out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone, which fell away from my ear into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed and burned big Jim and the twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.
F**king women drivers!
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26-09-2008, 11:47 AM #4149
Site Moderator
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A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties to work the counter.
One day a young man enters the store, eyes the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread high on the shelves, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, and the young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with a magnificent view, just as he had hoped. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two more loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, another male customer notices what is going on. Thinking quickly as the clerk again descends to the counter, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of yet another male customer. Pretty soon each fellow in the store is successively asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up to the top shelf.
After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. Finding herself yet again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells down,
"Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch."
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26-09-2008, 11:48 AM #4150
Site Moderator
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A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said,
"That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."
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