Funnies

[Noxide]

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush

Laughing008.gif

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.

[Noxide]

A Doctor's Phone Rang at home at Three
O'Clock in the morning.

Sleepily he answered "Hello?" A very frantic
woman said, "Doctor, our baby just swallowed
a condom."

The Doctor said, "Take him to the Hospital,
and I'll meet you just as soon as I get there."

He started putting on his clothes and was just
getting ready to walk out the door, when the
phone rang again. He answered "Hello?" A
very calm voice on the other end of the line
said, "That's all right Doctor, we found another
one, never mind."

[Noxide]

• A husband and wife walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law
  at the funeral. As he began to weep, his wife slapped him and said:
  “Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway!”
  
  The husband replied, “I know. I thought I saw her move!!”
  
• I was teaching my chemistry class about elements on the periodic
  table, mentioning that since silicon and carbon have similar properties, science-fiction writers theorize about silicon-based life forms on other planets. "But," I stressed, "there is no evidence that silicon-based life
  has existed here on Earth."
  
  A girl in the class flashed back, "Have you ever seen Baywatch?"
  

36_1_15.gif

[Noxide]

Hitler.gif

............

[Kevin]

Little Dracula



Two nuns, Sister Catherine & Sister Helen, are traveling through
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of
the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula
about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican, " says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield
washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen

"Now you're talking!" says Sister Catherine

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off the car!"

[Kevin]

Untitled 19.jpg

..............

[Noxide]

Untitled 19.jpg

..............

Thanx for keeping it going Kevin!!



trojan-horse.jpg

[DipShyt]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina".

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
Do you have vagina".......

"Yes" she says......

The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?"

[DipShyt]

pictures_official_announcement (2).jpg

Personaly I think that's apprpopriate for most governments...

[Kevin]

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.



When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"



She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."



Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.



The old woman says, you're going out like that?" And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator.