Funnies

[Noxide]

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[Noxide]

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[Noxide]

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[Noxide]

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma' am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

[Noxide]

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.

After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, 'Say, Father, what causes arthritis?' Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man, 'answers the priest.' I'll be damned, 'the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologises.' I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?'

'Oh, I don't have it, Father. But it says here that the Pope does.'

[Noxide]

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: You don't want to try these techniques at home.

"Why not"? Asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove,
table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day, I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once'"?
"Did it save time"? The guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now, I do it in seven.

[Joshua_pohan]

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Joshua_pohan]

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[Noxide]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like crap."

[Noxide]

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