Funnies

[amaway]

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not t O slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

[amaway]

A nude woman places a mirror on the floor of her bedroom and she is standing over it, inspecting her bottom side.
Her husband steps into the room, sees her, and asks "Honey, what are you doing?"
"I'm exercising" is her reply.
"Carefull... Don't step in that hole." he says.

[EvilSpaghetti]

the brits will know who he is...

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[kencck]

1. A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
99.9% of them said, 'the 10 minutes of silence'!



2. Advantages of having an affair with a married woman?
They give like hell. They do not yell. They do not tell. They do not swell and there is no wedding bell.



3. Women have to be more beautiful than smart:
Cause men see better than they think.



4. Woman's Quote of the Day:
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with.



Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.



5. A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards. You need:
a HEART to love him,
a DIAMOND to marry him,
a CLUB to smash his head in, and
a SPADE to bury him!



6. What's the definition of a gynaecologist?
He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!



7. What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later.



8. What is the strongest muscle?
The tongue. It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!



9. Why is the 69 position like driving in rush hour?
The arsehole is always in front of you.



10. What is the difference between a panty & a stage curtain?
When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over.. but when you pull down the panties, it's SHOWTIME!



11. A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party. Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: So... how do you like using second hand stuff?

The new husband replied: It isn't that bad. Past the first three inches, its all brand new.



12. A lady bought her ex a present for his birthday. He opened it and said, 'What the hell do I want with a rocket?'
She said, 'You wanted space.. now fly off!'



13. It's funny how as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope. Tie me up and you can do anything you want, she purred. So I tied her up and went fishing.

[kencck]

If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't , he says u are PROUD
.
If u DRESS Nicely , he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't , he says u are from VILLAGE .

If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ;
If u keep QUIET , he says u have no B RAINS .

If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE ;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT .

If u don't L ove him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)

If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;
If u do !! he says u are CHEAP.

If u tell him your PROBLEM , he says u are TROUBLESOME ;
If u don't , he says that u don't TRUST him.

If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.

If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED ;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.

If u SMOKE , u are BAD girl;
If he S MOKES , he is GENTLEMAN ...

If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK ;
If he does WELL , it's BRAINS .

If u HURT him, u are CRUEL ;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE !!
& sooo hard to please !!!!!

If u send this to guys, they will swear that it's not true.......
but if u don't, they say u are selfish.....

[MeatLoaf_Enchilada]

WARNING! WARNING! SEXIST, BUT EXTREMELY FUNNY.

Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

Women inspire us to do great things... and prevent us from achieving them.

Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is *** all you ever think about?

[Noxide]

Due to the steady decline in available Nuns - and because of the subject matter - there was a lay schoolteacher in the small Catholic school teaching *** ed. The class was comprised of only 8 students, due to the size of the school.

One of the little girls there asked, "According to the Bible, it says that Adam came first, then Eve."

The teacher replied, "Yes, dear, that is true, according to the Word Of God."

The girl responded, "Daddy always told me it is 'Ladies Before Gentlemen'. Didn't that rule apply during the Creation time?"

The teacher gets a smile on her face... she said, "Dearie, Adam came first -- trust me. And every man since him came first, too!"

[SeaGoddess]

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

[SeaGoddess]

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...

[Joshua_pohan]

the brits will know who he is...

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Can any brit tell me who he is?