Funnies

[EvilSpaghetti]

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[gerrit1951]

hmm don't now, but first ....

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and then....

Female Bashing

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

and then.....

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[gerrit1951]

BLONDE JOKES
I know it's not really fair that blondes have a reputation for being stupid, but then life isn't fair


What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
"Thanks for the refill!"

What do you call a blonde in a Volkswagen
"FarFromThinking"

Why should blondes not be allowed to have coffee breaks at work?
It takes too long to retrain them.

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First

Why do blondes take "the pill."
So they know what day of the week it is

Why do blondes wear Green lipstick?
Because Red means stop.

What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

How did the blonde try to kill a bird?
She threw it off a cliff.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
"What's a lightbulb?"

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
Because there's white-out all over the screen.

Did you hear about the blonde that got caught in a bear trap?
She chewed off both her arms and one leg and was still stuck.

Want to amuse a blonde?
Give her a piece of paper with "Please Turn Over" written on both sides.

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
"Spot"

What does a blonde say after sex?
"Thanks guys! "

What is the favorite nursery rhyme of every blonde?
"HumpMe-DumpMe"

What is long and hard for a sexy blonde?
Grade 3


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[Andy]

I am blonde

[gerrit1951]

First this Andy..

I know it's not really fair that blondes have a reputation for being stupid, but then life isn't fair

And then this...

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[Andy]

I dont take offense to things like that

[gerrit1951]

Good,glad to hear that

Quotes



"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."
Narrator, Fight Club


"Live life to the fullest."
-Ernest Hemingway



"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."
-Will Smith


"Time is an illusion, lunchtime, doubly so."
-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy


"Man is immortal; therefore he must die endlessly. For life is a creative idea; it can only find itself in changing forms"
-Rabindranath Tagore

"Life must be lived as play."
-Plato


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[Andy]

Okay gerrit.....

[gerrit1951]

ok....

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Ever go Fishing?
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

West Virginia Party
After working in an office for 15 years, Sam is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in West Virginia as far from humanity as possible.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded West Virginian standing there.

"Name's Junior... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Junior is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 15 years of office politics, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Junior stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Darn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Junior turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Junior stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

Blonde Cop
A blonde was driving down a highway and all of a sudden a cop sitting on the road side turns on his flashing red lights. The blonde pulls over and waits for the cop.

When the cop gets there he says to the blonde, "Lady you were doing 43 miles per hour in a 30 mile an hour zone."

The blonde says, "No I wasn't. The sign back there said 43."

To this the cop snaps back, "Lady, look ... that was a highway number sign, this is highway 43 and your doing 43 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone."

The blonde repeats her story again claiming she was not speeding. The cop scratches his head and returns to his car to ask his partner, who is also a blonde, what he should do.

After telling his blonde partner the story, his partner says, "Bill, you better give her the ticket. The 401 is just up ahead and once she gets on that we'll never catch her!"

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[Andy]

That toilet paper must be worst than izac (because izac is medicated is what my grandad used to say )