Funnies

[Vishay]

5 Million Dollars

A big time Gangster finds out that his personal accountant, Robert, has cheated him out of 5 million bucks. His accountant is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Robert would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Gangster goes to confront Robert about his missing $5 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Gangster tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the 5 million bucks are, that he stole from me.”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Robert where the money is. Robert signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Gangster , “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Gangster pulls out a pistol, puts it to Robert’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”

The lawyer signs to Robert , “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Robert signs back, “OK. You win! The money is in a black bag, hidden in the cupboard at my nephew’s house.!”

The Gangster asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

[gerrit1951]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

[gerrit1951]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your ***s is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."


New Chemical Element Discovered


The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively
named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75
vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass
of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally
occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which
assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each
reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as
government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be
found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.

[EvilSpaghetti]

[SuperFlash1980]

WTF?!?

[Cyclonus]

it belongs to wtf thread

[80beyond]

What do a blonde and a car have in common?
They both can drive you crazy.

Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Consciousness - the time between naps.

Paradox - two physicians.

Alimony - the cost of loving.

Capitalism - the survival of the fattest.

Car Bumper Stickers

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

This truck is protected by an anti-social German Shepherd

Is there life after death? Touch the Rednecks truck and find out!

Ford Off road, if it ain't a Ford you either have to DODGE it or the trail or pull it out cus its sunk like a ROCK

I'm NOT speeding, I'm qualifing!

If this car was a horse I'd have to shoot it.

Do me a favor...Steal this car.

Warning: Driver only carries $20 worth of ammunition!

I don't like tailgaters, that's why I'm speeding.

If I go any faster I'll burn out my hamster!

[EvilSpaghetti]

[EvilSpaghetti]

[NaturalMystyk27]