Funnies

[Noxide]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[Noxide]

A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.

[Noxide]

"So this guy strolled over to me at the party, all cocky and sure of himself." she was telling her friend.

"Yeah? So what happened?"

"He said, 'You know, gentlemen prefer blondes.'

I said, 'Well, if you could see my pubic hair, you'd know I'm not a natural blonde.'

He said, 'If I could see your pubic hair, I wouldn't care WHAT color the hair on your head is!"

[Noxide]

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being Interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good," replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see, a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.

"It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea," said the Newfie.

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh, I can explain," said the Newfie. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I crapped my pants."

He got the job!

[Noxide]

Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".

Yesterday is a canceled check; Tomorrow is a promissory note; Today is
the only cash you have, so spend it wisely.

[Noxide]

Fantastic Marketing Skills

McDonalds.jpg

[DipShyt]

Teazers.jpg
Teazers is a strip club for those of you who don’t know…

[EvilSpaghetti]

Fantastic Marketing Skills

McDonalds.jpg

ding dong

she makes me want to eat mcdonalds (and her)

[Noxide]

Teazers.jpg
Teazers is a strip club for those of you who don’t know…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That is brilliant!! Hope he doesn't really have a girlfriend. If he does, then he did....


Is that yours Dominee....?

[DipShyt]

Is that yours Dominee....?

Nope
The best I ever did was **500.00