Funnies

[jmarin]

[Noxide]

Awesome!!!

[Noxide]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband
picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you
think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,'
he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and
puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?'
asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,'
replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the
price.'


Heard over the intercom:

"Husband Down on aisle 24!"

[Noxide]

• "Did you hear about Janet getting married again?" "No I didn't even
  know she was pregnant."
  
  
• What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?
  At the circus you'll find a cunning array of stunts.
  
  
• What's the difference between a football game and the Oscar for best actress?
  In a football game they kick a punt.

[Noxide]

The middle-aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.

The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law."

Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!"

[Noxide]

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!"

[Noxide]

• Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed," many men
  still sleep with their wives.
  
  
• A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
  
  
  

[Noxide]

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.

The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"

I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero." He handed me back my license.

"Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."

[Noxide]

Dr. Marc Faber tells it how it is:

"The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China . If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer, it will go to India . If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala . If we purchase a good car, it will go to Germany and Japan . If we purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan . In short, none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US .
I've been doing my part....

[Noxide]

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared of the dark that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."