Funnies

[Noxide]

Nope
The best I ever did was **500.00

NICE!!!
Next time you go, I expect an invite...

[DipShyt]

NICE!!!
Next time you go, I expect an invite...

When I get tired of the current "management" I'll give you a call

[Kevin]

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read the forum with their hand on the mouse.

[Noxide]

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read the forum with their hand on the mouse.

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I took my hand off the mouse.... That makes my brain activity even less.

[EvilSpaghetti]

Elton John really is the queen

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fireworks is better than photoshop

[Noxide]

fireworks is better than photoshop

Maybe for web-editing, yes.
But I'm a BIG photoshop-lover, so my opinion might be a bit biased.

[Noxide]

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[Noxide]

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your backside with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
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[Noxide]

Singapore is sending psychiatrists into schools to help stem a growing addiction to the Internet.

An eight-year-old girl was detained by Australian police after a stolen car she was driving near Perth was halted by a puncture.

Women MP's in Austria accused the Woman's Affairs Minister - a man - of insulting them because he has set up a separate department for men.

Doncaster council is spending £4,000 on two-and-a-half hour courses for staff to show them how to change a light bulb. The council said: "It is a statutory duty to provide such information."

A German fighter pilot fired seven rounds at a Dutch air control tower before realising that he should have been aiming at a bright orange tent.

Saltwater crocodiles have been swimming in the streets of Cairns, Queensland, after high tides.

A busy barber in Bristol has installed a webcam so that customers can see how long the queue is before leaving home.

Four sisters have been fighting each other so long over who should inherit their mother's home in Sunderland, that the proceeds from the sale of the house will be swallowed by legal bills.

A memorial service for a sailor who had been missing for a week from a US Navy ship was called off when he walked out of a storeroom.

A man was jailed in central Ghana for killing vultures and selling the plucked birds as chickens.

A monastery in Greece is to change its status to a brotherhood after the churches ruling body told 15 monks there to abandon their 'scandalous ways'.
The monks have formed themselves into a pop group and have already had one hit.

Robbers using an explosive device to open a security device in Paris were foiled because the force of the blast scattered the banknotes all over the road.

Following complaints about smelly dairy farms in America, a 350,000 pounds project at the University of California has produced a cow dung freshener.

A British businessman, who wanted to remain anonymous, gave his wife a 14 million pound submarine for Christmas. He ordered it from the American store Neiman Marcus' mail order catalogue.

A Russian, aged 50, was jailed in Moscow for killing a friend and serving his flesh as 'veal' to guests at a New Year's banquet.

Passengers were held up for two hours after a train encountered the wrong type of insects at Honshu, Japan. It stalled after running over an army of millipedes.

A hospital trust is flying a Spanish surgeon from Madrid to Yorkshire each weekend to help reduce hospital waiting lists. The cost of his fee and air tickets are cheaper than the fee of a private surgeon in Britain.

Passengers on a Swissair flight were stranded overnight in New York when the pilot was detained for 18 hours after being arrested whilst jogging in Central Park

A beer taster in Brazil, who had to sample up to 21 pints a day, was awarded damages after complaining that he had become an alcoholic.

A man trying to retrieve a mobile phone dropped in a lion's cage in Mexico was mauled when the phone suddenly rang and woke up the lion.

A family in Wigan, England is to move after being burgled 20 times. The last straw was when their guard dog was stolen!

A casino waitress in Las Vegas slipped into the rival casino next door after her shift ended and promptly won 22 million pounds on the slot machines! It is not known whether she resigned from her job or was sacked.

The CEO of Dorling Kindersley has resigned after the publishing company sold only 3 million Star Wars books at Christmas. They had printed 13 million!

A man in Slough, England dialled 999 to tell the emergency services that his sister was putting too much corn oil in his food and he was getting fat.

A Japanese firm has invented a vending machine that can change the chime on a mobile phone in 10 seconds.

Custom officers in Frankfurt airport discovered a woman trying to smuggle 1300 bird-eating spiders from Mexico to Germany in her suitcases.

A burglar who stole a BMW sports car had to ask the owner how to start it and then crashed it into a lamp post 400 yards down the road.

In response to Nostradamus's prediction that a calamity will strike in July, a Japanese company is selling a bra with a sensor that alerts its wearer to incoming missiles (this begs the question, what can be described as an incoming missile?).

[Noxide]

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Not for easily offended people...